Expecting to Fly Part 1: After Completion

04/26/2015 § 2 Comments

From Journal, 4/5/15
I havent blogged in four or five months, and a lot has happened in that time. I broke the code on a number of secrets!


  • I’m as trapped inside myself as I’ve ever been.  And.  Thats. What Im writing about.
  • I toggle between two narratives; 1. that Im going down in flames flailing; 2. that I have just recovered from a controlled fall, and am on the verge of complete flight.  But Ive been on the verge of complete flight for 6 months and nothings happening.
  • I have recently been given a bad performance review from my last contract. It is the newest evidence that I am still spiraling down.

« Read the rest of this entry »


Quantum Leap Journal # 18, 5/26/14

06/08/2014 § Leave a comment

The Language Whores 5/26/14

Not my students, not them! They’re great!  
I’ve kept two students for 4 years now, since June 2010, and I see them every Monday night in Chiba City about 30 minutes away by train.  They are doctors at the university hospital, in the Hematology/Leukemia Department.  They are national leaders.  I feel intimidated by them, they are younger than me, but so much more accomplished.  Yet they have told me directly that I’m the best English Teacher they ever had.  Its something to feel proud about.

Last class, Ch____ lamented that he still had trouble listening to English speakers despite all the advances he’d made.  We talked about it.   « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #9; 5/12/14

05/14/2014 § Leave a comment


Did Someone Mention the Game of Thrones?   I considered saying something really nasty to Auntie to get her to stop writing to me.  Funny thing, Tyrion did something like that to his mistress Shea in a recent The Game of Thrones, calling her a whore so as to get her to leave the city before she got caught by the Kingsguard.  This just came back to bite him in the ass this past episode.  Shea is very different than the Shea in the book, who is a naive dim-witted teenager.  In the book she just beds Tyrion for his wealth, but on the show she genuinely loves him.  So I wondered how things would play out when he goes on trial for allegedly killing his nephew, King Joffrey.  Would she betray him on the show as she betrayed him in the book?  Why would she, if she genuinely loves him in the show?  But dramatically, the scene in the book where Shea testifies against Tyrion is just too delicious to skip over.  How would they pull it off on the show with a more genuine Shea? « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #8; 5/10/14

05/14/2014 § Leave a comment

Yoga class, solarized 1

I’m having trouble keeping up with this journal, so Im just going to write down a few of the highlights:

Stupid Letter from my Auntie! My Narci Moms twin sister; they’re both 84 going on 85.  If my moms a narci, what does that make her?  I dont know.  Anyway, she keeps reaching out to me to come back into the fold, the whole dysfunctional mess, and when I say I dont want to she doesnt even hear it.  Because she’s been pushing, I made the case in my last letter that knowing what I know about my mother, I’m carrying a burden  and if she wants to keep reaching out to me she has to share it with me.  Shes not having any of it.  So it comes down to this, how do I ditch her?  I can’t explain myself any better, she willfully doesnt want to understand my explanations, so I either have to drop something really offensive on her to scare her away, or just stop writing to her and not read her letters, without explanation.  The latter way is best.  But let me tell you, being reminded to what degree they all wash their hands of me is vexing.  Vexing! « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #4; 5/2/14

05/04/2014 § Leave a comment


watercolor effect

I just typed a whole journal with the modem off, and when I published it I lost it! Gotta type it all again.

Today a busy day.  Leave house 8:00, Coffee shop at 9:30, Employment office at 10:00, therapist at 1, doctor at 3, all in different parts of the Tokyo Kanto Plain. « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #3; 5/1/14

05/02/2014 § Leave a comment


Today I am remembering my panic. I can’t breath. I have to breathe consciously. But when I try, I just space out and forget to breathe all over again– my ADD symptoms kick in. I go under:

On a high cliff over the sea,
A tree thinks.
One by one thoughts slip from her
like apples
deep into the icy brine, « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Diary #2; 4/29/14

04/30/2014 § Leave a comment


Same as yesterday, I plan to start job hunting on the internet, but first set out to work more on the papers, which I had hoped to have done by now.  So I’m hoping to split my chores job hunting and writing on the same days.  No luck so far, though.

I got home from Chiba Hospital late last night, and instead of going to bet right away as I planned, I found a whole new cache of videos on YouTube of clips from the latest episode of Game of Thrones on HBO that premiered two nights ago, Japan time.  So I stay up til midnight watch Jaime and Tyrion discuss his upcoming trial, Locke set up Jon Snow to kill him for Roose Bolton, and the White Walkers kidnap little babies.  Half of this stuff was never in the books at all; the books and TV show are diverging. « Read the rest of this entry »

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