04/26/2015 § 2 Comments
From Journal, 4/5/15
I havent blogged in four or five months, and a lot has happened in that time. I broke the code on a number of secrets!
- I’m as trapped inside myself as I’ve ever been. And. Thats. What Im writing about.
- I toggle between two narratives; 1. that Im going down in flames flailing; 2. that I have just recovered from a controlled fall, and am on the verge of complete flight. But Ive been on the verge of complete flight for 6 months and nothings happening.
- I have recently been given a bad performance review from my last contract. It is the newest evidence that I am still spiraling down.
01/12/2014 § 5 Comments
For the last six months, I’ve been writing the words, *There was never a time*– just that — on napkins and notepage headers. I tried and tried but couldnt get the words out. Yesterday morning the words came out. Ursula K.Le Guin calls this effect the bung-puller, like a cork that won’t come out from the bottle and until it finally bursts out explosively spewing wet fizzy all over the place.
There never was a time it could have been prevented.
There never was a time you could have changed your fate.
She acted mechanically. She lived as if her path were cast in iron.
Only once long ago did she make all her choices.
Before you ever arrived:
12/31/2013 § Leave a comment
This one is for my siblings, who will hate me no matter what I do:
I want you to see what you wont see,
but you wont see it.
I want to leave you understanding,
but you wont understand it.
I want to leave with things resolved,
but you wont resolve anything.
You remain ignorant,
for which you blame me.
So I leave you ignorant and hateful.
in your own filth,
as I clean it off my self.
« Read the rest of this entry »
11/17/2013 § Leave a comment
Everything changed my life ten years ago, June 2003, on the occasion of my parents 50th wedding anniversary; my relationship with my Lost Child brother Reggie among them. Now is not the time to chronicle that catastrophe, but I must say something about it; everything that has come after it has been affected by this thing that happened.
To make a long story short — it’s not easy! — my family wanted me to come to the affair as a scapegoat with all my scapegoat baggage so they could blame me for what ever they wanted to blame me for — in public as likely as not. « Read the rest of this entry »