Managing Mother

09/08/2014 § 2 Comments

On Training Your 4’9″ Narcissitic Monster

I started this entry feeling hopeless about my latest round of correspondence with Little Betty. I fell asleep, inadvertently losing everything I wrote in this post because I didn’t save it.  When I woke up, the problem was already solved.

Her letter appeared in my Yahoo mailbox like a call to arms. “Happy Birthday,” it began, before slapping me in the face. “I know I’m not allowed to write you, but I just want to wish you a happy birthday, your 60th?”

My 59th, but no matter. This was very difficult to translate. For the past week I interpreted it as, “Sure, you told me it’s okay to write you in Yahoo, but it didn’t register because I never listen to a thing you say. So I’ll cover it up by snarkily implying that you hate me.”

But last night, just as I fell asleep without saving my post, I realized that this was the first time since I started the mailbox account five years ago just for mom that she has actually used it. In other words, I called her bluff and she finally showed her weak hand, and coughed so that I wouldn’t realize that I had won.  What a freak!  And I didn’t for a whole week, too.

So I woke up feeling real good.  I can’t do 100% No Contact, but this 97 % is working out for me.

Quantum Leap Journal #20: Taking the Leap! 6/4/14

06/15/2014 § Leave a comment

Taking the Leap 6/11/2014

Let’s see, going back a ways;
THURSDAY 5TH: I got a text message from Berlitz that I didnt get the job, and a return call from RRR asking if I could schedule an interview the next day?
FRIDAY 6TH: I went in the pouring rain and had a fairly good interview that ended ambiguously at the end of the day, I get a text message from a neighbouring prefecture’s office for a Skype interview Monday morning.
MONDAY 9TH: Ive got the job.
TUESDAY 10TH: I dont got the job. « Read the rest of this entry »

Quantum Leap Journal #14, 5/20/14

06/08/2014 § 1 Comment

The Man in the Mirror 5/20/14

Everybody I know is doing better than me!
that I follow.
that I watch
that I read about
that I collect business cards from.
that I network with
How do they all see me? 
Best not to think about it
Its a mirror easily mishandled.  « Read the rest of this entry »

Quantum Leap Journal # 18, 5/26/14

06/08/2014 § Leave a comment

The Language Whores 5/26/14

Not my students, not them! They’re great!  
I’ve kept two students for 4 years now, since June 2010, and I see them every Monday night in Chiba City about 30 minutes away by train.  They are doctors at the university hospital, in the Hematology/Leukemia Department.  They are national leaders.  I feel intimidated by them, they are younger than me, but so much more accomplished.  Yet they have told me directly that I’m the best English Teacher they ever had.  Its something to feel proud about.

Last class, Ch____ lamented that he still had trouble listening to English speakers despite all the advances he’d made.  We talked about it.   « Read the rest of this entry »

Quantum Leap Journal #13 5/20/14

06/08/2014 § Leave a comment

Hired and Fired in 2 days (from my personal diary) 5/20/14

It just keeps getting worse and worse, dont it?  Im always several steps behind my baser affects. 

Two thoughts; two items:1) Now I know my records at M___ Elementary School are tainted.  What with?  It might be very hard to get hired without Divine Intervention. But, maybe its a good thing it was exposed and now I know about it. 

2) By going through the orientation at F____ Board of Education, I realized that I really didnt want to work there again, but felt like I had no other choice– I couldnt fool around with the visa sponsorship.  But this whole set-up sucks.  They called me in at the last minute, and gave me no time–, not even one night– to think about it.  They had a shotgun to my head with a visa dangling in front of me.  How did I get into this?  

A friend texted to me about this, “See, I told you [that company] was evil!”

Working again for this school system would have made for a miserable 10 months.  The Japanese Coordinators (JC) call the shots; the curriculum they write is heavy with English mistakes but sacrosanct to them, they only want pronunciation assistance and power drilling from the Assistant Language Teachers (ALTs); no grammar, no vocabulary–, that’s what the JCs are for; and they want no disagreement between the ALT and JC.  

Looking back at my work 3 years ago there, I was a naive wreck.  I simply didnt get it that the Japanese want the Japanese-English Pidjin Language that they invented, and not the real language I teach.  Any attempts on my part to change their agenda was destined to blow up in my face.  The job I had after that was just the same. Boy did I blow it the last time. 

I’m going to have to start looking for Plan B options more seriously.  I may not get my visa.   

Quantum Leap Journal #19, 5/28/14

06/08/2014 § Leave a comment

The F%&$ing Passport Expired! 5/28/14
I sent off a resume to Berlitz on the 23rd, a Friday, and on the 26th, a Monday, I got a reply with a long application form. On Tuesday I was feeling paralyzed by doubts I could pull this off, with my history of losing my temper, so I took time off for a guided meditation to renew my spirit. On Wednesday morning, I began working on the Berlitz application and cover letters for other job offerings.

The application for Berlitz asked for the expiration date of my passport. What, 2016? I spun around to my desk and pulled the passport out, and blinked twice. It said, April 24th, 2013. I stared at it, my heart pounding. It said, SEE PAGE 27. « Read the rest of this entry »

Quantum Leap Journal #16, 5/24/14

06/07/2014 § Leave a comment

Loathsome Creature 5/24/4
The days just keep flip-flopping and getting more intense. If I don’t have a visa sponsor in 3 weeks, I fall through the cracks between Japan and the U.S. I’m terrified.

I think I know why the Agency killed the job after they gave it to me. « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #15; 5/22/14

06/07/2014 § Leave a comment

Darkening of the Light 5/22/14

Continued: Now it gets hard. I woke up yesterday morning with a new job. today I wake up without one again. What the hell did they find in my records?
I decide to go forward as if I never went to the interview. Just keep searching the way I had before.
But I couldnt. I was frozen.
It wasnt just dumb luck. It wasnt just divine intervention to keep from starting a job that I was going to hate.
There was something bad in my records that caused them to pull me out. What the hell was it?
Whatever it was, I failed again. Again! I keep telling myself my fucking-up days are over. Theyre not over! I’ll always be a fuck up. And this time, I’m not going to get my visa extended, and I’m going to have to go back to America. With only just enough money for plane fare. No savings, no home to go to– I’m in No Contact with my family– no job prospects. Oh, this is the beginning of the long slippery downhill slope. My big decline has begun.
Oh, this is going to be painful.
This was a hard, dark week. But I went through a dark passage and came out the other side.

The Quantum Leap Journal #12; 5/20/14

05/27/2014 § Leave a comment

Brushwork- 008 Teh
I left the agency office with a job Monday evening, but the job started the next day.
I didn’t like that.
I go home and prepare my suit and papers and get ready. Gotta be at the big meeting all with all the other ALTs the next day at 8:45 am.
I did my yoga, and meditation, and prayer. I wanted to do a lot more. This wasn’t how I wanted it. This wasn’t a Quantum Leap. This was the same old shitty job. But I was going to get my visa sponsorship right away.
When I got there, I immediately started seeing people I didn’t want to see. My old co-teacher I got along with horribly. And there was the head of the BoE, Mr. Hato. Surely he heard bad stories from her.
My new co-teacher seemed really nice. « Read the rest of this entry »

The Quantum Leap Journal #11; 5/19/14

05/27/2014 § Leave a comment

Out of the Frying Pan edition
new art 022
The crisis is averted, for now. Another has begun, potentially. I have a job, theoretically. I have a visa sponsor. It is my old employer from 3 years ago. Funnyboffo City Board of Education, the organization that traumatized me 3 years ago.  Welcome Back!

The day after I got the interview appointment was a Saturday; I went to see my therapist. “Dont put all your eggs in one basket” she says. Fair enough. Im going to follow through on my other job leads and not just count on this one job interview to solve all my problems. « Read the rest of this entry »