Breakthrough Journal #1: Raised by Narcissists, the Forces That Hold Me Down.

05/11/2016 § 5 Comments

2 years ago I faced an enormous challenge, and now I’m facing one like it, but on a bigger scale. I’m going to write a series of short journal entries, that hopefully will lay out the situation. This first entry is about the bigger picture; the societal bind at the heart of the abuse survivor’s experience.

I heard the following in a podcast about the HBO TV series, The Game of Thrones:  panel members talking about one of the show’s main characters who they all disliked. It was like listening in on the private conversations of an elite class of people who grew up emotionally scarred but manage to disguise it by ridiculing people with deeper problems. I’ve always wanted to write commentary like this but never before have.

“She [the character on the show]’s so annoying to me because she’s learned nothing! It’s like she’s learned nothing except to go ‘Oh, my gosh, the world is so mean to us!’ ” one member said.

Another panelist jumped in passionately: “[There are] people in this world who go through life going, ‘the world is so mean to me!’ and never actually see that they have a big blinder in front of their face, that they are the source of their own problems.  You know these people in real life!  I know these people in real life!  Y’know, I’m not… I still have love for [this character] I want to see her grow, I want to see… I believe in her.  I want to see her be queen.  I want to see her be strong.  I want to see her live up to [her family] name.  But you know what?  There are some people who never do, and maybe she’s gonna be one of them and we just have to face that.  It will suck, but maybe, maybe, that’s what her role in life is.”

Harsh words. She could be talking about me.  I’m “one of these people who never” grew up. Only I have; just a few short years ago, at the tender age of 56 (I’m now 60.) Yeah, I did have a big blinder in front of my face, but I knew it. I dedicated my life to getting rid of it. I didn’t know how. I figured it out, but it took too damned long.

So here’s the main point; every fucking time I reached out beyond myself for help and guidance, starting with my family, I got taken advantage of. Because this predatory society that we live in condones taking advantage of those of us who have been sacrificed by abuse, as long as they can get away with it. And by “they” I mean every one. Because in a meritocracy where everyone is ranked and rated for what they contribute to society– and how do we decide what society needs?– we are all dismissing someone with “less value” than us and sucking up to someone with “more value” than us. It’s a wretched system.

And the people who have been eaten by the system are on their own.

That’s what I’m dealing with in my current existential challenge. I’ve finally got my blinders off. Now what do I do?

See you for “Breakthrough Journal #2: A Cult Of Responsibility”




§ 5 Responses to Breakthrough Journal #1: Raised by Narcissists, the Forces That Hold Me Down.

  • Marie says:

    Hello im wondering if you can help me. I have 4 children and think my father is possibly a narcissist and possibly my mother in law and husband too. Is this possible? Is it me? Im definitely the scapegoat. Thats for sure. Please help

    • Vic Banner says:

      Dear Marie, thank you for writing.
      It is my experience in being raised by a narcissistic parent that it affects you in a way that makes you attract other Narcissistic relationships into your life; so it’s very possible that, if your father is Narcissistic, you could have attracted your husband’s Narcissistic family into your life.
      Let me recommend you to go to Reddit’s /rbn/ (Raised By Narcissists)

  • Vic Banner says:

    (This got sent prematurely) …Reddit’s /rbn/ forum.
    You have to join to participate. It’s a large group. There are many people there telling stories like yours; is my father a Narcissist?; how can I protect my children?; What does it mean to be a daughter of an N-parent?
    Narcissism is a serous deal and it can be abusive. Very much so in my case. You may have residual Narcissistic traits, called FLEAS, that can affect your kids. The name implies that they can jump off and leave you. Acknowledging yourself and honoring yourself as a child of narcissistic parents is of great importance; you may have to become your own parent as well as a parent for your children if you find, as I have, that you were raised inadequately.
    Well, I hope this was useful; I tried to give you a one-minute orientation. You are welcome to keep in touch with me if you wish.
    Stay sane,
    Vic Banner, Third Eye

  • damiran says:

    I just found this journal while I was looking for information regarding the “lost child” of the family. Both my parents are Narcissists and I went no contact recently.Thank you for publishing your entries, You have a very deep understanding of the issues and I could relate to almost everything you wrote, although i was not the scapegoat. My brother was.
    Are you still teaching in Japan? It was my brother’s dream for so long, I find it kind of sad that he never got to do it because my parents made him afraid of leaving the country. I remember them saying he would be alone, without any friends or GF. You know what, he stayed here and they made sure he did not have time for friends and to destroy his only GF relationship…

  • Vic Banner says:

    Dear Damiran;
    Thank you for waiting for this reply. I wrote one to you last week, on my mobile phone, and the WordPress mobile app ate it up just prior to my sending. I had forgotten to type it in a more stable program as I am doing now. A few days later, I started typing a blog on my PC WordPress App, and it ate that too! WordPress is unstable I think.

    I’d like to know more about “the Lost Child” as you use it. I have not seen that phrase used by anyone other than myself. I read a passage in Wikipedia about Children of Narcissists, which described without naming a type of CoN who is neglected, caught behind the high drama of the GC and the SC. Such children are isolated and cautious. I liken them to rabbits watching a storm from the safety of their warren. The article said such persons are highly likely to become Narcissists themselves, their sense of endangerment and cynicism drive them inside themselves. I’ve been Skyping with my kid brother lately, he has characteristics of both GC and LC but I think he’s LC. Boy is he armored! He’s open to me talking about CoNP but he won’t open up himself.

    So I began calling such persons “Lost Children.” Are other people using that term coincidently, or did you get it from this journal? I went back to the page at Wikipedia this year, and the section about in-betweeners was taken down.

    You’ve been looking for more information about LCs. Do you count yourself as one? You count your brother a Scape Goat. My perception has been that usually the Scapegoat is the squeeky wheel who complains; the GC and LC are too caught up in their roles and end up being the Flying Monkeys. But your family dynamic is different. I must revise my data base.

    Yes I am still teaching in Japan and am pretty much stuck here without the resources to go back to the USA, since my wife left me. With less than a year left on my visa, I am rallying myself against my SG patterns to get myself out of the sticky wicket I am in.

    I had a bad fight with my kid sister in 1987; she manipulated me but then pushed my buttons and I blew up on her. My takeaway was that I was in grave danger of self destructing if I didn’t grab the bull by the horns. This was decades before I factored Narcissism into the family relationships. So I set out to deal with what I would ultimatley conclude was scapegoatism. If I didn’t make the conscious choice, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

    I imagine its different for your brother. I wouldn’t expect a Lost Child to look over his brother’s well being but you are; My brother certainly didn’t. Your brother is lucky to have you. But I think you must be very patient with him, as I am with mine.
    Do you blog? I would like to learn more about your situation. How did you figure it out? How is NC going for you?
    Take care, and thanks.
    Vic Banner

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