Breakthrough Journal #1: Raised by Narcissists, the Forces That Hold Me Down.
05/11/2016 § 5 Comments
2 years ago I faced an enormous challenge, and now I’m facing one like it, but on a bigger scale. I’m going to write a series of short journal entries, that hopefully will lay out the situation. This first entry is about the bigger picture; the societal bind at the heart of the abuse survivor’s experience.
I heard the following in a podcast about the HBO TV series, The Game of Thrones: panel members talking about one of the show’s main characters who they all disliked. It was like listening in on the private conversations of an elite class of people who grew up emotionally scarred but manage to disguise it by ridiculing people with deeper problems. I’ve always wanted to write commentary like this but never before have.
“She [the character on the show]’s so annoying to me because she’s learned nothing! It’s like she’s learned nothing except to go ‘Oh, my gosh, the world is so mean to us!’ ” one member said.
Another panelist jumped in passionately: “[There are] people in this world who go through life going, ‘the world is so mean to me!’ and never actually see that they have a big blinder in front of their face, that they are the source of their own problems. You know these people in real life! I know these people in real life! Y’know, I’m not… I still have love for [this character] I want to see her grow, I want to see… I believe in her. I want to see her be queen. I want to see her be strong. I want to see her live up to [her family] name. But you know what? There are some people who never do, and maybe she’s gonna be one of them and we just have to face that. It will suck, but maybe, maybe, that’s what her role in life is.”
Harsh words. She could be talking about me. I’m “one of these people who never” grew up. Only I have; just a few short years ago, at the tender age of 56 (I’m now 60.) Yeah, I did have a big blinder in front of my face, but I knew it. I dedicated my life to getting rid of it. I didn’t know how. I figured it out, but it took too damned long.
So here’s the main point; every fucking time I reached out beyond myself for help and guidance, starting with my family, I got taken advantage of. Because this predatory society that we live in condones taking advantage of those of us who have been sacrificed by abuse, as long as they can get away with it. And by “they” I mean every one. Because in a meritocracy where everyone is ranked and rated for what they contribute to society– and how do we decide what society needs?– we are all dismissing someone with “less value” than us and sucking up to someone with “more value” than us. It’s a wretched system.
And the people who have been eaten by the system are on their own.
That’s what I’m dealing with in my current existential challenge. I’ve finally got my blinders off. Now what do I do?
See you for “Breakthrough Journal #2: A Cult Of Responsibility”
Tagged: Children of Narcissism