Expecting to Fly Part 1: After Completion
04/26/2015 § 2 Comments
From Journal, 4/5/15
I havent blogged in four or five months, and a lot has happened in that time. I broke the code on a number of secrets!
- I’m as trapped inside myself as I’ve ever been. And. Thats. What Im writing about.
- I toggle between two narratives; 1. that Im going down in flames flailing; 2. that I have just recovered from a controlled fall, and am on the verge of complete flight. But Ive been on the verge of complete flight for 6 months and nothings happening.
- I have recently been given a bad performance review from my last contract. It is the newest evidence that I am still spiraling down.
- When I think about it, this is probably why Ive been feeling so under-motivated lately; another fail whin I tried so hard to succeed. My distress about this most recent, very patterned, very familiar fail weighs on me now. I am at my most isolated. I have realistic plans to overcome this inertia but I don’t implement them.
- Certainly, this recent fail isnt necessarily proof of a death-spiral, but an indication that I have lots to work on my new lease-on-life.
- This is the best writing Ive done on this in a long time.
- The Minerva Co. Fail is my third job Fail as an Assistant Language Teacher in 4 years; it feels like a 3-strikes-youre-out situation. It was a mistake to slog through being an ALT for so long when it yielded so little income or comfort. But, thats my stile, the more miserable I am, the deeper I dig.
- Its a legacy of my marriage, my failed marriage, with Roseann. She eventually became so stumped by my poverty inducing art-career aspirations that I ultimately had to put my art on a sideburner, letting her redefine me as an English-as-a-Second-Language Teacher to make a living. It made her feel more secure. Secure enough to leave me.
- She left me holding on by my nails to a career neither of us understood. The Japanese don’t want to learn our English. They want to learn how to speak their English, that their leaders and educators more or less invented. Maybe failing 3 times is the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Im carrying a big Mad inside of me about this Fail. Is this why, this past month, I’ve been full of procrastination and immobility? I haven’t gone running, done meditation or practiced yoga or any other disciplinary activities that help my recovery, in the past few weeks, from what is essentially child-abuse.
- Periodically, I lose the will to protect myself, and then just go numbly on and on until something inside me wakes up and I return to the work of Re-Emergence. Re-emergence from Children of Narcissistic Parent Disorder (CoNPD). This keeps happening to me again and again, as regular as the full moon.
- Losing the lack of motivation to recover proves Im spiraling down to ultimate failure. But recovering motivation as I always do proves that I am finally able to claim success.
- I was not able to claim success in my life before now. It was frozen inside me. Is it really thawing? I have to believe it is.
- It may be that, since it was a controlled fall, I was advancing even as I was descending. My Spirit Guides insisted, convincingly, that I couldnt go up until I went down; that I had business to take care of in my lower depths. Something was broken down there, in my past, in my childhood, my foundation, the Guides told me dramatically. I was going to have to descend into the bowels of my broken past in order to fix them.
- And so I have. And so I have. I reached a vast, underground plane inside myself; dwelling there three years, in which I explored my mothers Narcissism and dysfunction, my familys Narcissism and dysfunction, and my own Narcissism and dysfunction. I am the Narcissists son, and the family exploited me for their own benefit.
- Realizing this, I also realized that they will never never admit it. They are biologically incapable of truth. I cant share this with them; its for me alone and Im on my own. If I cant negotiate a less co-dependent, less abusive relationship with them, the only remaining choice I see is to go Full No Contact.Next, Part II, No Contact, and What Happened