New Realization

10/30/2014 § Leave a comment

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I had a realization yesterday at work that there’s proof that I’m recovering, even since June when I had my huge breakthrough, because I’m handling my job completely differently every single day.
I’ll say more in an update.

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Managing Mother II, a Clan of Losers

10/24/2014 § 1 Comment

Letting my NM write to me in an email account reserved just for family has been like keeping a hive of bees in my bathroom.

I created it especially for her 5 years ago, but she hasn’t used it until recently. Instead she’s used every opportunity to complain, to family members and friends of mine, that I have banned her from writing me, which is simply not true.   One might think that she would rather complain than write to me. One might be right.

Her last icebreaker included the information that she still has a box of my artwork in her storage. She’d told me that she sent everything, but that wasn’t true either.

So my old High School friend Lawrence, who still lives in the area says he can pick it up for me. He calls her up to arrange a pickup time, and she chews his ear off telling him about how I won’t let her write to me. He asks me if this is true and I say, nah, ‘snot true. I tell him not to let her say anything because I don’t want to hear about it. I can’t pay him enough to listen to her! He goes over to pick it up, and she chews his ear off again. He asks her, doesn’t Vic have an open address you can use? She says yeah, but she can’t trouble herself with all my rules. So he starts to take apart her statements logically, showing her that they make no sense.

The next time she wrote, “Thank you for finally letting me write to you.”  Never Give A Inch, the Narcissist creed. See? Im beginning to understand her.

I swear to God, shes not evil (she gets much worse than this;) shes just very, very stupid in a mean-spirited sort of way.  Unless Im very wrong, shes on autopilot with nobody upstairs, frozen into a pattern of automatic contrariness. Her saving grace is that shes utterly predictable, once you see the pattern.

Im not saying shes easy to handle, shes not, but if you know shes going to be a Bitch no matter what you do, then it becomes possible to not take her seriously (even tho she does!) It becomes possible to not get upset, because shes always going to act like a Narci and you know it though she doesnt.

For example, in a recent letter she suddenly wrote, “Im going to stop writing you,” just like that. And ended the letter without a closing. That would actually be fine if she started real No Contact on her own, but I knew she didn’t. She just can’t stand not being in control of our relationship. She doesn’t want No Contact, she just wants to control the Contact. So I knew she was going to pull something. I just didn’t know what.

Out of the blue, my best cousin Carleen writes me a letter on Google Plus. I haven’t heard from her in a very long time, since the 80s, I think, but since I corresponded with her mother (my aunt) recently,  I was expecting to hear from her a while ago.

She mostly talked about my art, and wanted to see more. I linked her to my website.

She’s been talking to mom. I can tell. The timing’s too perfect.  Mom signs off on my email, just drops me, and now Carleen’s talking to me who hasn’t talked to me in 20 years.

It triggers off my self doubt that she seems to have everybody in the family as far as the eye can see on her side. Am I being paranoid? How can she fool all my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, in-laws, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, into thinking she’s sane and rational? Am I from a family of losers?

Now, that would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? I’m carving with words right now; I don’t know where this is going. I had to admit that Id become a loser before I could win again. Just refusing to be a loser wasnt enough. When my wife left me it sort of became official. So, it’s not me, it’s the family whos the loser? Is that what Im hearing? I’m manifesting they’re failure, that’s why they keep trying to reel me in; I can be their failure so they don’t have to be. Okay, got it.

In the last month, with Mother finally using my proper email site, I thought I could get her to stop sabotaging me. She actually replied, “You think you’re going to train me to watch other people’s boundaries? Nobody I know even has boundaries except for you!”  (And that’s how she controls the rest of my family.)

Im going to have to cut them out completely and let them cry and cry. They pull me down robotically. I.m finishing my midlife crisis and my Saturn Return; I’m turning 60 next year and I don’t need to be their failure anymore. I know what I have to do.

Victorious Banner of Perseverance
Japan

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