Quantum Leap Journal #20: Taking the Leap! 6/4/14

06/15/2014 § Leave a comment

Taking the Leap 6/11/2014

Let’s see, going back a ways;
THURSDAY 5TH: I got a text message from Berlitz that I didnt get the job, and a return call from RRR asking if I could schedule an interview the next day?
FRIDAY 6TH: I went in the pouring rain and had a fairly good interview that ended ambiguously at the end of the day, I get a text message from a neighbouring prefecture’s office for a Skype interview Monday morning.
MONDAY 9TH: Ive got the job.
TUESDAY 10TH: I dont got the job.

I’m at a tax office getting papers, and a call comes in letting me know that while the Agency RRR has seleted me, the client wants to see more candidates. “Ill tell you that of all the potential candidates we have, you look the best on paper.” At first I thought that meant I probably had the job, but the more I thought about it, The worse it felt. I changed my plans for the day, and accelerated my way home.
The next 24 hours was one wild ride.
I got home, turned on the computer, and began to look up any job leads that I hadnt followed up on yet– that I thought I wouldnt have to.
I was shaking and trembling. I did not want to go back to looking for work again, but I saw the black abyss before me.
Just to clarify for readers who havent read all the previous posts, the school I worked for suddenly turned on me in February, and didn’t renew my contract as I expected. Only 3 1/2 months before my visa expires. I had planned to get my school to sponsor my visa after the contract was renewed. Without my visa, I would have to go back to the U.S. with virtually no savings. No sponsor, no visa. I had to get a new sponsor in 3 months, fresh from having been de facto laid off or fired. With my confidence shot to smithereens. during an off period when there are usually few jobs available.
So now the visa expiration date is 16 days away, I was told I have a 50% chance of having a job, after I thought I had it sewn up. Not good enough.
I didn’t eat for the next 24 hours. I love to eat.
I made three phone calls. The first said the recruiter was busy but would call me back, the second said the same. The third was a non-working number. I looked up new prospective jobs online, and found a few, then researched one and realized the offer was not acceptable. By then it was 5:30 and all offices had been closed for half an hour, and nobody called back. So i called it a night.
I knew I was going to have to do a spiritual fix– I was going to have to meditate, call my spirit guides, throw the I Ching, pray for help– but I was too wiped out. I go too easily into cortisol shock; I get freaked out too easily and its a physiological reaction. When I was growing up and lived with my Narcissistic Mother and Her Explosive Servant, my Father, I believe I was literally in continuous cortisol shock for 15 to 18 years. I think that’s why I developed my volcanic temper, identical to his temper, which may have been caused the same way. But going into a docile state was always another option of the cortisol, which is a hormone secreted into the body to deal with crisis. Freeze or Fight, as it were. In my case, the crises were too complicated to deal with without greater understanding, so the Cortisol state was always a liability, not an advantage.
Over the last few months, I realized that the purpose of my procrastinatory activities– usually reading, net surfing or video games– was expressly for the purpose of reducing my cortisol state, and knowing this has made me able to reduce it much more quickly. I don’t feel disgusted at myself for procrastinating anymore, its an instinctive survival mechanism.
So now, I picked up a copy of “A Storm of Swords” by G.R.R.Martin, from which the 3rd and 4th season of the TV series, “The Game of Thrones” is based on, and read and read it from 5:30 to 9:30. I felt calm enough afterward to move on, but I knew I was going to need a lot of sleep, so I only prayed enough to consult the Chinese oracle I Ching, which I use by flipping coins.
I got Hexagram 38, “Opposition,” changing into Hexagram 64, “Before Completion.” “Opposition” means when we slip into the perception that God is against us; but we can withdraw from that perception before we do something stupid by quieting down. “Before Completion” means that the task we are meant to complete is almost accomplished, but things are unstable and tenuous as we approach the end. The commentary read in part, “…an unexpected mishap may bring adversity just when the end is in sight…”; “…although we fail to recognize it, we are being helped [by Fate]. We should not allow ourselves to become isolated by mistrusting the life process.” As always, the I Ching challenged me as to whether I would adhere to it, or go off on my own. As I had no other idea what to do, I followed the Ching. And it was telling me to trust God to bring me to completion.
The next day was one of the wildest rides of my life.
(To be Continued)

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You are currently reading Quantum Leap Journal #20: Taking the Leap! 6/4/14 at Highly Sensitive Matters.

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