Quantum Leap Journal #16, 5/24/14

06/07/2014 § Leave a comment

Loathsome Creature 5/24/4
The days just keep flip-flopping and getting more intense. If I don’t have a visa sponsor in 3 weeks, I fall through the cracks between Japan and the U.S. I’m terrified.

I think I know why the Agency killed the job after they gave it to me.

I think they got wind of complaints from Ms. Kato, my Japanese Co-teacher from two years ago, from the same school system that they just hired and fired me again in just one day. When I saw her for the first time in 2 years this past week, she clearly hated me. Oh, I couldn’t stand her, but I still feel ashamed. I couldn’t control my temper with her. Its always my temper.

The shame I feel is that I loathed her because she had a very driven and intense way of teaching English, with tons of games for the young students, but her English was poor and the material she taught was poor. I was naive. I thought they had hired me to teach a better standard of English. That wasn’t it. What they really wanted of all of us Assistant Language Teachers, 70 or so in the city-wide school system. was to legitimize their weird system. I couldnt figure out what to do except teach English as I knew it. She clearly didn’t want that.

About a month after I started working there, she told me I had to give a brief talk to the students during lunch on the school intercom. In Japanese. All morning I tried to write a script, because I didn’t feel confident to talk Japanese spontaneously. But I kept being interrupted. At noon, just before the intercom talk, I had a half hour to work on the thing if I didn’t go to lunch. So I told Ms. Kato I wouldn’t be eating lunch, and even though she had explained its okay if I don’t, she began to persuade me to go eat lunch. I said no, and she got more insistent until she grabbed my arm with both hands and began to pull me. I freaked out a little and yelled at her to back off. That was it. A few weeks later, she told me she could not tolerate my yelling. I said nothing. She pulled at me with both hands and sees no causal relation between that and me yelling. Is she a Narcissist? So ever after, she hated me for yelling, and I didn’t trust her.

About 3 months in, we got an intern to work with us from a nearby college, a student named Momo. It was during this time that tension between me and Ms. Kato got very strong. Did Momo see it? We pretended nothing was going on. Then one day Momo stopped coming to the school. No one explained why to me. Finally, Ms. Kato told me that some people in the school wondered if I had harrassed her. Of course I didn’t. Ms. Kato told me that she knew I didn’t and stood up for me. I never found out what really happened. Ms. Kato hunted Momo down and confronted her at a party. Why did she leave? Momo said she found the work too hard for her. She said something about me being too intense. I didn’t know if I should worry about that or not. Should I worry now? Is this what the agency dredged up?

Now, feeling the pressure to get a company sponsor, I am full of loathing about my anger. It lurks in my records. People know about it, I think. I feel like a loathsome creature.


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