The Quantum Leap Journal #3; 5/1/14

05/02/2014 § Leave a comment


Today I am remembering my panic. I can’t breath. I have to breathe consciously. But when I try, I just space out and forget to breathe all over again– my ADD symptoms kick in. I go under:

On a high cliff over the sea,
A tree thinks.
One by one thoughts slip from her
like apples
deep into the icy brine,

plunging into the dark,
lingering for a time
at the bottom of the subconscience
before its naturally boyish buoyancy
struggles back to the present
for air.
And then the next apple falls.
And the next,
losing themselves in the abyss
before finding themselves again
bobbing in the water
far from the tree.
This is my mind
on ADHD.

I guess it was reading that letter from my mother yesterday,
violating my boundaries as always she does,
ostracized me for protecting myself,
The child never overcame
the monster under the bed
and now its up to me.
to parent myself.
all threats are equal
when youre under the waves.
I know, I know!
Oh, oh, oh!

Today I went into Tokyo to take care of some practical matters, and got confused. The doctor wasn’t in after all, and I didn’t know where the unemployment insurance office was, so I just went back home. I couldnt get anything done, or decide what to do. I decided not to call the interviewer I saw last week, let him call me. I realized the job starts next Monday, meaning, I probably didnt get it; I wouldve heard by now if I did. I read a little, drew a little with the new pens; I found the phone number of unemployment insurance office, called and made an appointment, rescheduled with the dentist going in today instead of tomorrow. I didn’t get any further job hunting done.

My body is in physical pain. Cortisol stress. From finding my mother lurking in my gmail site and having to confront her. I’m going to have to do a lengthy yoga set to relax my body, ease the Cortisol overwhelm, and take back my body and mind.

All threats are equal
When you’re under the waves,
I know! I know!
Ohh, oh, ohh!
God, this is a miserable app. How it vexes me! When I type text, there are so many fields on the screen that the text field is crowded out, I’m typing blind half the time. I have to go out of the page and back into it again and again just to see where I am.


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