The Quantum Leap Diary #2; 4/29/14
04/30/2014 § Leave a comment
Same as yesterday, I plan to start job hunting on the internet, but first set out to work more on the papers, which I had hoped to have done by now. So I’m hoping to split my chores job hunting and writing on the same days. No luck so far, though.
I got home from Chiba Hospital late last night, and instead of going to bet right away as I planned, I found a whole new cache of videos on YouTube of clips from the latest episode of Game of Thrones on HBO that premiered two nights ago, Japan time. So I stay up til midnight watch Jaime and Tyrion discuss his upcoming trial, Locke set up Jon Snow to kill him for Roose Bolton, and the White Walkers kidnap little babies. Half of this stuff was never in the books at all; the books and TV show are diverging.
So I wake up overtired the next morning, to tired to right, not tired enough to grab more sleep, so I do a set of reclining yoga postures and a set of Salute to the Sun. I work on the writing, put the new quote from my student in its place, and then fall asleep again. When I wake up, I just can’t focus on getting anything done. I’m ready to start looking for work, but I can’t focus. I have too many days like this.
I go into my Yahoo account to answer a letter from my Aunt who is trying to draw me out without giving me anything, and I find a letter from my Narcissistic Mother there. Mom starts off, “I hear you want me to write to you.” No, I don’t. I just want her to STOP writing to me in my gmail account. She can use my Yahoo account. I’m not planning on reading her shit much, but I don’t want her skulking in the nether chambers of my gmail account. I’ve got her address filtered out, but she’s still writing to that account after I’ve asked her dozens of times not to. In fact, I deliberately didn’t give her, or any family member, my gmail address, yet she’s writing to me there anyway. I started thinking about all the times that she’d entered into my intimate spaces by ignoring my warnings, threats, and requests. I can’t fucking get rid of her! Like there was the time I was living in an art collective in San Francisco, and she came out from the East Coast to visit me without telling me when she was coming, and then showed up unexpectedly with my two sisters in two in parts of the building closed to non-residents. I keep telling her she’s not supposed to be there, and she ignores me.
Now I’m starting to get depressed again that I can’t keep her out of my gmail. I spend some time going over my account settings trying to figure out how to shut her out once and for all, but then get the message that I can’t do that in Gmail. She wrote to me in her letter, “Are you doing okay now?” and I start to write her before I realize its a loaded question that I don’t dare touch at all. Too late, I’m telling myself that I’m doing fine, feeling defensive and in denial. No, I’m not doing fine. I have to get a job in 7 weeks and if I don’t I’m going to be deported and live in poverty back in the United States….. For a split second I feel utterly doomed, then think, “could it be because I’ve contacted mom”? I spend the rest of the day playing video solitaire and watching DVDs to push her out of my mind. I’ve blown a half-day of work because I read two sentences by her.