I’m Having a Hard Time Right Now

03/11/2014 § 3 Comments

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I got a note from  my school board that they’re not renewing my contract  this year.

Contract ends in three weeks.

The new school year begins in three weeks. If I don’t get a job now, a new full time job may not be in the market until  September.
This is Japan.
My visa runs out in June.
I need a company to sponsor the renewal of my visa, so I need a job that offers sponsorship.

I have practically no savings to fly back to the States because the job I work for pays poorly.
I wanted to get my visa renewed, then ride out the contract.
I have no skills or credentials to get an immediate job back in the States.
And no family as I am in No Contact with my Narcissistic mother and
siblings.
If I don’t get an extension on my visa, I’ll have to use the little savings I do have, and borrow from friends to fly out.
I have no choice but to take this as a blessing in disguise. The job was too hard, the pay too low, the commute too long, and my co-teacher and I are incompatible. I think she’s a Narcissist. I’m doing myself a blessing by   leaving now, even under tough conditions.
The greatest obstacle to overcoming this situation is my own self-doubt. Every day that I work with my co-teacher I feel like I’m on trial.
I’m constantly struggling to justify every little mistake that I make, even to myself.  I’ve had a lot of successes at my job, even yesterday, but they don’t get acknowledged.
For me, being scapegoated by my family means continuing to scapegoated wherever I go, be it work or community.
I haven’t read anybody talk about that aspect of being a scapegoat of a Narcissistic Parent, but its very real for me, and its  probably the worst thing about being CoNP (Child of a Narcissitic Parent). I have a history of being scapegoated by different communities my whole life.
Somehow, I attract Narcissists and low-empathy people to me, and haven’t figured out how to protect myself from them.
I’m becoming increasingly aware of people in my life who give me positive, not negative, energy and feedback.
I meet people like that blogging.  So far, I haven’t been trolled!
I’m going to get through this, and I’m going to be harder and stronger for it.
Right now, I can see Mount Fuji from the train station.  I’ll take it as a sign.

Last weekend, this blog had the most traffic its had in a while, even though I haven’t added a new post since January. So you’re out there! If you read this, please give me a heads up through a like or a comment.  Thanx!

Update: It’s two weeks later and I’m doing much better.
My supervisor gave me a letter of recommendation.
I’m getting a $2,500 tax refund.
I’m filing for unemployment insurance.
And I can file for a temporary extension of my visa without a sponsor to give me time to find one.
All in all, if things go well, in a few months I can be in a far better situation than I would’ve been if I hadn’t let go.
At the center of my work situation was my relationship with my Japanese co-teacher who really seems to be Narcissistic herself. She stays out of trouble yet never fails to get me into it. Its been very galling to me that I still don’t know how to fight someone like her. I think I’ve seen the chink in her armor, but its too late this time. I’ll have to use it on the next dragon I’ll tilt at.

Victorious Banner,
Funabashi, Japan

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