New Years Resolution: Moving On

12/31/2013 § Leave a comment

This one is for my siblings, who will hate me no matter what I do:

I want you to see what you wont see,
but you wont see it.
I want to leave you understanding,
but you wont understand it.
I want to leave with things resolved,
but you wont resolve anything.
You remain ignorant,
for which you blame me.
So I leave you ignorant and hateful.
in your own filth,
as I clean it off my self.

Goodbye, my kin.
I never abandoned you,
I never rejected you.
I never hated you.
Even now.
But really, Ive got to get out of your way.
You abandon yourself and blame me.
You reject yourself and blame me.
You hate yourself and blame me.
For 25 years,
Ive asked you politely
not to blame me
for all things you wont even talk about.
Ever a *no.*
Never a fair discussion,
Always a bludgeon
a hammer
a heavy hand.
You wish to trap me in your grasp
by my own love for you
granting me no permission to protect myself
no permission to defend myself
no permission to rescue myself
no permission to leave the box that is to small for me to exist in,
no permission to breathe,
when breaking your permission means leaving your house.
Finally I leave your house.
And maybe,
if Im not there for you to blame,
youll rescue yourself,
terrifying as it is,
instead of using me as an excuse
to do nothing:

My parting gift.

— Its occurred to me in these past few weeks that the reason I am stuck in Japan with a poor income and few attractive options, is because Im still trying to get back to how things were.

I should be thinking about Moving On.

With my wife gone and my Narcissistic Family continuing to punish me for breathing, why not just Move On? Completely disconnect with my past. Why not just say to them, “You cant fire me, I quit!”

My over-protective and narcissistic mother raised me to be completely dependent on her, to the point of teaching me wrong information about life so I couldn’t possibly succeed on my own.

Now, at 58, I am beginning to succeed on my own. The steep learning curve is finally flattening off. Despite all the work she and my siblings have done to sabotage my every new step, I am starting to see the light of day.

But the price has been ostracism from the family for bucking her total control. Everyone in the family is on her side.

I thought that if I straightened myself out on my own, I could just come back and take my place as the eldest son. But no. There is no room for not playing the Scapegoat in this wretched family I was born into.

Yeah, I think Im finally beyond the disaster my family has made of my life. Its time to move on.

Vic Banner


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