Letters to my Narcissistic Mother

11/04/2013 § 18 Comments

While I was in a workshop on using smartphones, a notification suddenly came up from my Narcissistic Mother who I’ve been avoiding for two years.  At first, I thought it an error my phone frequently makes, but no, it was a video chat request from her.  I rejected the request and blocked her address from my account.

Then I went to Yahoo Mail to confirm that she hadn’t sent me a letter there.  She hadn’t. I asked her only to write to me through Yahoo through a special account I set up just for family so that they wouldn’t have access to my main address.   Yet she’s written to me by every address but the one I’ve given her.  That’s Narci for, “no recognition of other people’s boundaries.” 

So I wrote my first letter to her in two years.   My first letter since I discovered she was a Narci.  I’ve thought a lot about how to address her in the past two years.  I’m not going to disown her, I decided, but I’m not going to let her get away with any shit at all. It’ll be like riding a bucking bronco for the rest of my life.  That’s what adults do,  I guess. 

We’ve had a volley of three letters now. It is like riding a bucking bronco.  She pushes my buttons viciously.  It takes me a good week to recover and respond mindfully. It used to take a lot longer. 

I inquired about her health (she’s 84,) told to contact me only through Yahoo, and told her my wife left me 2 years ago. About Yahoo she replied, “I find it very difficult to remember what your restrictions are.” If I thought she were a sane person I would have pulled my hair out about that, but this only confirms her Narcissism. Being able to predict what she says before she says it is a huge advance, but I must say it’s breathtaking how corrosive she is.

About my divorce she asked, “Were you impossible to live with?” Need I explain why I hadn’t written her in two years? How wonderfully offensive that is! A few years ago I would have been in a bitter rage over this, and I would have felt the need to contradict her and defend myself. Now she only seems wretched and loveless to me. She has no inkling how hostile she is, nor how isolated. Truly, she cannot help herself from shitting on the people who love her. There’s a little bit of her in me, so I do feel compassion and pity for her. But I know that if I let my guard down for a second, she will crawl under my skin and set me off like a volcano. And then she will condemn me for it, saying, “I can never tell when you’re going to go ballistic.”

We hit the ball back and forth a few times, her always in control of the ball. Finally, I surprised myself by hitting it out of the park. “You of all people have no ability whatsoever to discern my feelings about anything. . . I’m still shocked that you said, in my grief, that I must be hard to live with. If you knew my feelings, then you would unambiguously apologize for that immediately. . . But you don’t, so don’t worry about it.– And only write to me on Yahoo.

I can’t tell her she’s got NPD, the whole family will rise against me. I can’t tell her that she hurt me, she’ll smell my blood like a shark and scream bloody murder that I’m accusing her of being a bad mother. But I can show her how she gets my feelings wrong, and assert my boundaries firmly but not defensively.

It’s about fuggin’ time.

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§ 18 Responses to Letters to my Narcissistic Mother

  • Wendy Powell says:

    The next step in your understanding is to let her say these outrageous things and don’t agree or disagree. Remind yourself that she feeds off of you by creating conflict and let it go. She is trying to upset you and just take note of it. Count how many times she tries or how many different tactics she uses instead of getting pulled into the drama.

    Good luck.

    • Vic Banner says:

      Wendy,
      And the next step in your understanding is to not write a letter to other abuse survivors that begins. ‘The next step in your understanding is. . .’ I’m sorry to start like this. But I was put off by your opening which felt condescending. I could easily have over- reacted, and I’m sorry if I have.

      I don’t think that not responding at all to offending communication is the highest stage of emotional evolution. I’m suspicious of therapists and the APA and the Cult of Science. I’ve had too many wrong diagnoses. Medicine is just Voodoo with a degree.

      I don’t know that my Mother is trying to upset me by the things she says. Near as I can tell, she doesn’t see me at all. I’m just a player in her movie. She is protected from herself by her absolute lack of empathy in other people’s love, joy and suffering. I don’t believe she’s evil; I think she’s very, very sick. Rather than condemn her, I give her Tough Love: I respond to her when she speaks to me with respect, and I don’t respond to her when she doesn’t. We’ve been stuck at the bottom of the cycle for a long time. I don’t think she’ll turn on her own, but if she does, I’ll be here for her. If she doesn’t, I don’t hold my breath waiting.
      Thanks for writing. I’d like to here your story.
      Yours,
      Victor E. Us. Banner

      • Wendy Powell says:

        Victor, thanks for being so honest. It is difficult to know the person you are writing to, and of course, how they will respond when all I have is your blog to go on.

        I am not a therapist. I don’t know what the APA, is but I may be part of the Cult of Science. I am, however, trying to see it for its limitations.

        I agree that we can never know “why” someone is doing something, just that they do it.

        I appreciate the exchange. I have benefited a lot from reading, commenting and discussing things with people. For one, I just found out after reading a book that was recommended on a blog that my mother was a narcissist. I think it is called, Will I Even Be Enough.

        She was very different from the one you describe. She was neglectful and used illness to focus the attention on herself. I did not even know that this was a form of narcissism until this week. Another piece has fallen into place.

        As for the reason that I got interested in Narcissism, I was married to one for almost 20 years. I did not know that he was a narcissist until after I left. Narcissism, in this context, was not defined until after I had been with this guy for almost a decade.

      • Vic Banner says:

        Wendy, thank you greatly. I expected a more hostile reply to my candid answer, I appreciate it.

        By ‘therapist,’ I meant a therapist you might be seeing. APA is the American Psychiatric Association. A lot of bloggers on Narcissism only have clinical experiences to base their understanding on. Or books by therapists and clinicians. My experiences include shamanism, meditation and the I Ching. I have a different take on Narcissism than others might.

        So you’ve only just discovered that your mother was Narci. I’ve tried to make the point in an earlier posting that for most of us, no one tells us we are children of Narcissists, we’re usually the first ones to realize it! We have to figure it out by ourselves and the process may be long and excruciating. It may be one thing we all have in common.

        There is a likely connection between being raised by a Narcissist and marrying one. I suspect this is very common. My father’s mother appears to have been a Narci. Then he went and married my mother, who he called in later years ‘Dorothy’s Witch.’ The woman I married– and divorced! — had Narcissistic patterns but I don’t think she’s a full on Narci. I have ‘incidental’ Narci patterns myself because my sense of my own and other people’s personal boundaries is impaired, like a Narci’s, but that’s because I had no personal boundaries when I grew up.
        Hopefully, you will have a lot of time to explore this connection in peace.
        Peace is what I wish you.
        Vik-Tarion

      • Wendy Powell says:

        Thanks Vic. Yes, my experience is more than what I have read. I have been steeped in narcissism my entire life, I just didn’t realize it.

        I am intrigued by your shamanism. I have been exploring energy, healing, intuition and manifestation for a while now. I “get” your view on science. I don’t defend science and I wish that more people realized its limitations and that we know so very little.

      • Vic Banner says:

        Wendy,
        If you have a blog I’d love to see it.
        I’ve been looking for what ailed me since I was 12– really!– but didn’t finally figure it out til I was 56. There’s no one who can explain it to you; the doctors don’t know. My therapist thought I was being grandiose when I concluded Mom must be a you-know-what.

        I don’t have anything against Science. It’s just that we can never know more than about 3% of infinity, and we like to forget that. To paraphrase Carlos Casteneda, Science is an island of order in a limitless ocean of the unknown. Science is an island of the Tonal in the ocean of the Nagual.

        I’ll write a piece about my shamanic experiences as soon as I finish this post I’m werking on about my brother.

        Until then, take care. And if you have any writing, please share it with Highly Sensitive Matters.

        Yours,
        Victor von Frankenpickle

      • Wendy Powell says:

        I just began writing about my mother today. I just read a book that brought it into focus for me, last week. I have two posts in queue, one this morning and one tomorrow afternoon.

        I’m looking forward to your post on shamanism.

        http://www.wendypowell.ca

  • Stephen Bach says:

    Hey Vic!

    I think you did a great job of reminding your mom that she can only contact you through Yahoo. If she doesn’t contact you through Yahoo, then don’t even read the email. Just delete. I know how hard it is to keep those boundaries, but I have found that once I set them and maintain them, I see the narcissists in my life in a very different light. They seem like the desperate individuals they truly are.

    You are right about telling your mom she might have NPD. Honestly, does it matter if she could be diagnosed NPD or not? It doesn’t really change your relationship with her whether she has a diagnosis or not. A diagnosis is, in my opinion, just a way to validate for yourself that it’s her and not you. You already know that it’s her and not you.

    One serious question: How does continuing a relationship with your mother enhance you? If it takes you a week to recover from one of her attacks, is that really what’s best for you? I personally have decided that I will only allow people in my life that enhance me. If they are detrimental to me in any way, I end that relationship.

    Stephen Bach

    • Vic Banner says:

      Thanks for the validation, Stephen.
      There is practically no one in my life I can talk about this stuff with. Frankly, I only want to share it with people who get it. Hence the blog.

      That post is all about setting boundaries. I choose to keep family in my life if they respect boundaries. Looks like they don’t want to. That’s their choice. They try to string me along by pretending they don’t understand me. ”I can’t remember all your restrictions,” my mother wrote. If i say, ‘only write Yahoo,” she will write me every way but Yahoo. If she can respect a few boundaries, I can deal with her. If she can’t, I’ve already filtered out her excuses.

      I’m becoming increasingly aware that she doesn’t have the capacity to receive love from others. She can’t feel it, she can’t nourish herself with it. She doesn’t know what it is. It’s a word. It’s like ‘blue’ to a person who was born blind. So, yeah, I see her differently than I used to. She’s very unhappy and doesn’t know it.

      You wrote, ”You were right about telling your Mom she might have NPD.” I think you meant, ”You were right NOT telling her she might have NPD. ” I think it was a typo. She WILL only take that as an attack on her and mobilize the family around her. I see no use bringing it into the conversation. It’ll only make things worse.

      Does it matter if she’s diagnosed or not? I know she is. That’s not the problem. The problem is, I’m hugely alienated from other people over this. We have an invisible affliction. We all know Peter Dinklage is a Dwarf, we know Stevie Wonder is blind. If I have difficulty maneuvering some dicey social terrain, I can’t say’ ”It’s because my mother is a Narcissist.” You can come out of the closet about being gay, but not about this. Unless your mother is diagnosed ‘Narcissist.’ That’s my thinking, anyway.

      Another point is, if it were officially diagnosed that she is Narci, then there would be a basis for my siblings and cousins to talk with me again. The family would understand the breath of her sickness, and their own. And they could do something about it. Now I am permanently to blame for whatever ails them.

      One more question. Does continuing my relationship with my mother enhance me? This is the discussion I want to see over the net.
      I think it does. In the long run. At the end of the day, blood is blood. I took a spiritual vow to never give up on the people I’m connected to. And who are we connected to more than our own families? It’s a tough one. Just because she’s biologically incapable of loving me doesn’t mean I can forsake her. But above all, loving them means taking the best damn care of ourselves that we can. It means protecting ourselves in their moral absence. I think this is a spiritual struggle I was given for my own soul’s growth.

      I want to write to you more . This mobile application for WordPress is very hard to use,and it keeps swallowing my letters before I send them. I’ve lost two to you today. And trying to leave a reply on your blogsite is a nightmare. I shall try again when my PC modem is reconnected.

      Until then,
      Vic Banner

      • Stephen Bach says:

        Hi Vic!

        That’s a bummer about your issues with WordPress. You can always email me directly if you would like at stephenbach66@gmail.com.

        I definitely can understand how conflicted you are regarding your family. I have been in a very similar situation. When I decided to go no contact with my mother, I told my only surviving brother what I was doing and why, He originally accepted that he and I had different childhoods, but unfortunately his recent behavior has shown to be more in line with his historical pattern of being a flying monkey for my mother. I haven’t talked to him since a phone call we had a few weeks ago where he was blaming me for all the problems in my life and insisting I apologize for hurting his feelings. I wrote a post on my blog about his call that can be found here -> http://thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/golden2300/ He essentially was demanding that I re-assume the mantle of family scapegoat, which is something I absolutely will not do. I haven’t talked to him since, and I’m not sure when I will talk to him or see him again. I’m in no hurry ,and it will happen on my terms if and when it does happen again.

        So now that I a no contact with my brother, too, I have essentially no family other than my daughter. Everyone else in my immediate family is deceased, and I have historically had little contact with any extended family. I’m all alone, and I’m OK with that. It’s amazing to me the level of peace that I’ve been able to obtain once I cut all the drama inducing people out of my life. One thing I learned is that I am attracted to people that create drama and recreate similar environments to my childhood. You may be in a similar situation. Once I cut out everyone that creates drama in my life, there’s hardly anyone left. What a perfect opportunity to go out and fill my contact list with new people that serve to enhance me and my life!

        My thought is that pinning your hopes on your family acknowledging that you’re OK just because your mother has a diagnosis may well be futile. If they are steeped in the mindset that this is your issue, all you’re going to do is make them more angry by showing them their denial about the situation. This is exactly what happened with my situation with my brother. When I told him my version of reality, he eventually insisted I apologize for hurting his feelings and saying such terrible things about NM.

        My cheating ex girlfriend would say that “psychology is just psychobabble” until of course she could use it to diagnose me as being a narcissist.

        I know how lonely it can be once you decide to throw out your old contact list and start up with a new one. I have found for me that it’s actually been a wonderful thing. I get to spend time getting to know the real me, something I’ve never really done before. Learning who I am, what I want, where I see myself in the future, not living someone else’s definition of all of those things.

        Stephen Bach

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  • How did you initially break the contact though? I’ve recently, well, past year, realised I have a NM but have mostly been in denial. Now I’m at the point where I can’t see things getting better with her in my life, but to cut contact, I’d have to give her a reason, and I’d have to live with the guilt of potentially abandoning someone who is 67 and not getting any younger. How do you ease the guilt of this? I know this overwhelming guilt stems from her in the first place because has been her go-to weapon of choice but I just know she’ll pull out all the stops, and like you say, society makes it really hard to come out and explain what’s going on. I feel like I would be frowned upon for cutting contact with an aging woman when I can’t fully explain why, and I already feel too much guilt for everything so I can’t currently see a way out! Thanks for reading.x

    • Vic Banner says:

      Dear Lu.asocialthing;
      I attempted to write to you three times on my mobile handset and the app crashed every time. I am so pissed. Whats the point of a blogging app if it always loses your drafts before you can save them? I haven’t touched my WordPress app in a week accordingly. I’m on my PC.

      When I’m done I’ll look at your site because I want to see what you do. Your letter is very intriguing and parallels my situation unusually closely.

      I broke contact with my NM in small steps which I am still taking. I’ve sworn to find out what the nature of the rot at the core of my being was when I was 10 or 12 years old, but only got to the truth 44 or so years later; about 3 years ago. I’m closer to your mother’s age than yours! MY mother is going to be 85 next month, a Libra baby. She’s still sharp in the way her mind has always been sharp; except that she is completely delusional and has been all the time I’ve known her. Nobody sees it but me, though, and I suspect that is the primary role of the scapegoat; to be isolated for seeing the truth without having any influence. Whereas my siblings have influence on her because they don’t see the truth. In other words, she PRETENDS to listen to them, while with me she makes no pretense.

      My mother is also very overprotective, apparently believing that we will always be helpless without her, justifying her obsession for control. She withheld a lot of life lessons from me, so that I couldn’t live reliably on my own but had to be dependent on her, which I think she did to my three younger siblings too. I became very aware that she would destroy me from neglect if I allowed myself to continue to be dependent on her, so I opted for independence which meant going through a lot of failure and a lot of trial by error. This was before realizing she is Narci.

      Periodically she or her proxies would contact me– especially her twin sister or my younger brother– and try to call me back in the fold– they really want me back in the fold!– but they would not budge in making life any better than completely miserable for me. So I never intended to go no contact, but I would temporarily not answer them until things would get better between us and they never did. Then I discovered I liked not being in contact with them.

      My mother wrote last week, after not hearing from her for a year, “You don’t want to call me Mom because you disowned me 40 years ago,” etc.etc.etc. Nasty stuff. I felt choked with guilt for two hours after I read this, then it began to ease off. Just a little bit. I feel, like you, that I can’t let go of her completely without giving her a reason, but she’s already pre-empted all reasons. Has she strung me along for 46 years by not acknowledging the terms of separation, except that I’m a terrible son and everything is my fault? At what point do you say, “you’re right, I AM a terrible son; there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m going NO CONTACT and good-bye!” Pretty soon, I reckon. There’s no way of protecting yourself from her without taking it on the chin, so yyou might as well take it on the chin! Besides, I’m pretty sure she’s bluffing. She doesn’t really want me out of her life, she just is utterly terrified of not controlling the terms. Every time she says she’s not going to be my mother anymore, she renegs on herself a few weeks or months or years later and reaches out to me as if nothing is unusual.

      So, Lu, knowing that you don’t deserve her abuse, let your guilt gradually transform into a clear, internalized understanding of what she does to you. I keep thinking, why would you feel so guilty where you should feel outrage, except that you’re dependent on her and the family in some way. You’re worried about what other people think. When I go no contact, its not just her but her whole community; anyone who isn’t standing up for you is colluding with her. That’s the power of Narcissism. It’s not that you’re bad or deserve it in any way– no one deserves it; it’s that she creates dysfunctional community all around her, and they’re all scapegoating you because they’re afraid of her. What holds you to them is that you were raised to be emotionally dependent on them, and you will continue to be dependent until you wean yourself. It is not an easy process, unless you are lucky to have solid, reliable support. I didn’t, and you may not. My spirit guides told me that no matter how long or difficult the process is to attain true self-dependency, that the struggle was better than being dependent on them. Spirit Guides were my best resource and I think everybody has them or access to them. They told me to call them whenever I need them and theyll be there, and that I’ve found to be true.
      Good luck, and I’d appreciate feedback,
      Vic Banner

  • Gryph says:

    Hi, just buried our 86 y/o narcissist stepmother. Dealing with her for almost 50 years. Dropped contact with her totally about 5+ years ago, which meant many of my 9 siblings put me out of their lives. Hurtful but necessary to survive. Funny, after the funeral, one sibling asked me if something she said years ago was true or not. Told him the truth and he just quietly nodded his head back and forth slightly and sadly. I believe he suspected I wasn’t guilty of the many lies she told about me and my family, but he needed her financial support over the years and it was her or me, he chose her. The other siblings are realizing just how whacked this woman was and beginning to call and attempt more contact. Funny though, their biggest want is to be heard, not to listen. Noticed the majority of them are beginning to sense a bit of freedom, twinges of guilt, embarrassment at what’s gone on and they allowed or been part of, and a twinge of self loss. One of them is as narcissistic as the narcissistic stepmother, an alcoholic and very needy. Wants my continued financial support but had enough since she tried the same tricks at stepmother’s wake and funeral and after. Dropping her totally like a hot cake! The others are calling wanting to know what to do with her as they cannot afford to financially or emotionally handle her and expect, as in past history, that my family come to the aid. It’s all theirs to do with as they want! I’ve been cleaning up messes since I was 14 and am totally done. Yes, it’s hurtful. I love each of them dearly but over the years have been wrung dry and allowed my family to be used and overlooked. Since I stopped contact with N stepmother over five years ago, my family has been much happier and more peaceful. My kids have missed out on a lot of cousins, aunts, and uncle time but we have a good family dynamic, we’re very close and my children have productive lives with good friends.

    I know that the hurt and loss will never be completely gone but so glad I can finally look and see any new situation more realistically. It’s a choice but one I’m really glad we made. If you spend less time being beat up and working hard for unappreciative, selfish and self-centered people, new opportunities open up. I’ve learned so many new things, met more people (but I find I’m guarded still), and am happy working and many hobbies. My husband sure is happier as our the children, less drama, trauma. I’m angry at what has transpired, anger is ok. I’m still hurt when I think about it but when involved in work or a hobby or with my family, the hurt gets smothered with joy and accomplishment. It’s better and whose life doesn’t have some hurts in it?

    Let go of the ones that purposefully or knowingly do such awful things, you will survive and even grow, and feel joy again.

    • Vic Banner says:

      This mobile app for WordPress is just terrible. I think I lose 60% of the letters I write before sending them. I must find another way to reply to you.
      Thank you for your comment. Will reply soon.
      Vic Vaporub

    • Vic Banner says:

      Dear Gryph,
      I had to enable my Evernote app to write this letter because I keep losing writings on the WordPress App.
      It was a pleasure to reread this letter after transferring to Evernote. Much I can relate to. You’re from a big family, but not all siblings are from same parents?  My 3 siblings have all cut me off after 1996, 18 years? but there was still a little contact until 2003. Never my choice, yet they “feel abandoned” by me.
      One  theme that comes up in yours and other letters and blogs I’ve read is that after N-parent’s death, the family experiences a great release and change. I don’t have high expectations in my case, but am curious how it will play out. It’s natural your sibs would rather talk than listen, but its cruel for them to talk to you about their emergence when they scapegoated you for so long. It sounds like you have plenty of confidants in your life, let them find theirs.
      Another theme is the Golden Child/ Scapegoat/ “Lost Child” dynamic. I call the forgotten siblings who are neglected while GC & SC get all the attention “Lost Children.” According to Wiki P,  it is these lost children, who, from their cynical perspective, become Narcissists; although bloggers and commenters say Golden Children can become Narcis too. My younger brother and younger sister are both Narcis; my older younger sister is a very obese Golden Child. The dynamic is completely frozen and immovable. No one in the family will talk to me. Everyone is caught up in her craziness.
      If you doubt yourself once in a while it’s only natural. I don’t think there’s a blueprint for what we’re doing. We’re the “Ones Who’ve Walked Away From Omelas” (from a short story by Ursula K. LeGuin,) we don’t necessarily know what we’re doing but we’re pretty sure about what we’re not doing.
      I think you’re on the right track. Good luck with you.
      Vic Banner

      • Gryphon says:

        Vic,

        Thanks for your note and reflections.

        First, all the siblings are from my biological mother. My stepmother was actually my mom’s youngest sister, our aunt! They told us this was common in Irish Catholic families, but I’ve never been able to confirm or dispute that by searching to see if this was a common practice.

        Boy, you are going to love this! It’s been approx. a month since the “Wicked Witch of the Northeast” has been buried. The siblings are really going from the “sweetest” to the “nastiest” roles and switching between roles. It is actually sad, but if you step back, funnier than any television comedy.

        The golden child hasn’t stopped puffing his (medical marijuana) vaporizer, showed up in town to go through the house and already has tons of “stolen” junk on ebay. He just found out although he was one of the two executors for the will (or executioners as I call them), that he can’t function as an executor if you have a felony and he does. The other one hasn’t stopped drinking from 8 am to 10 pm and really wants my assistance cleaning out the house, etc. They have used another sibling to help (total narcissist and alcoholic) who is robbing them blind every time they turn their backs. She stays sober long enough to take valuables, stores them in her car, and then disappears to her place to drink and leave nasty messages on everyone’s answering machines accusing them of theft, meddling, etc. Then they all call and leave me messages on my cell phone saying how horrible each other is and is there anything I can do to stop it, and do I have any money I’d be willing to let them “borrow”. One sister who has been treated badly over the years is actually helping them with the lawyer to settle the estate. Everything goes to the golden child (with the felon) and the alcoholic (part golden child, total flying monkey). I believe she is helping them out of the goodness of her heart and she wants family pictures to share with all the families.

        They are eating each other alive. I’m certain after the house, cars, and crap is sold, I won’t hear/receive messages for a time (until they run out of $ or are in such poor physical, mental, alcoholic states). Then I’m sure in a year or so they’ll attempt contact again.

        Needless to say, it may sound cruel, but I am laughing my rear off, yes, and sad for them. I believe the golden child #2 will drink himself to death as will the drunken sister in less than a year. They have been through numerous rehabs (some of the best in the country and often at my family’s expense). My hubby and I listen to the messages, wish them well mentally, attend Mass for them/pray for them, thank God daily for our family, ask God for guidance, but we still find ourselves chuckling occasionally. We considered at one time charging the estate for the large amount of money my parents owe us but decided not to, we may see if we can take a deduction on IRS for the bad debt (doubtful) and feel we should have known better and it’s our own poor past decisions and learning experience and maybe we should chalk it up to a learning experience.

        I don’t believe scapegoats turn into narcissists, in my family flying monkeys and golden children do.

        We are prepping for our first grandchild and enjoying our children’s excitement and teasing (they’re giving suggestions for grandparent names).

        The past will always hurt, I’ll always regret the loss of what my siblings could have accomplished and enjoyed, but they sucked the “joy” out of living for soooooo long, it’s just not going to take over my life, suggest you keep trying.

        Someone close gave me a great idea too. Imagine each one of your siblings or narcissistic family member is a tiny sailboat with their name on it. Load all the nasty comments or actions they have ever said/done to you on each sailboat. You are at a gorgeous large English pond. Let them sail away peacefully, wish them well and go make/meet more opportunities and people. It was very soothing to do this. Enjoy nature; looking at the sky, trees, little kids, etc. when hurt or thoughts get too centered around you, look outside of yourself or work at something. Your mood will change and you won’t become narcissistic or satirical.

        Can you feel the hug I’m sending you right now? uhmmmmm! I’ll think about you at least once a day and send another, send me one too! Thanks.

        Gryph

  • Rae says:

    Hi! Thank you for your blog. I too have an N mom, and after much thought, I just gave up and went no contact, that and my sister who is as well. No contact affords me peace and harmony and not a random email from someone who made it very obvious that she didn’t even like me.
    It’s hard when it’s family. I know my sibs have been told awful things about me, but think about it, she told the awful things before I went no contact and now she has no ammo left. Oh, she can dig through the past I suppose she does. I’m just glad I don’t have to be involved. My sister is the same. They won’t change. Let them go in peace to act and think and talk as they wish. It’s their life…and now my life is my own. TG!

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You are currently reading Letters to my Narcissistic Mother at Highly Sensitive Matters.

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